Lovestruck... or lust struck?

I hate it when I begin to like someone and out of spite someone tries to ruin it. The person ruining it is named Bryan George. He's a total loser. I used to be friends with him until he showed his real true, two-faced being. It's disgusting. He's STD riddled and attempted to get back at me for revealing that. Haha.

Anyway, I know that all relationships start out as lust , so this person that I like is totally out of lust but I like this person for who they are. I hate how people try to ruin these things... if I had any good sense I would use Abaddon for revenge but I think there are lesser ways of doing things instead of being so destructive... God, I'm so filled with hate right now it's pouring out of my nose... If Bryan is trying to get that other person away from me, by talking to them, messaging them... I'm not sure how I will react.


BTW. For those of you who are nice enough to send hate mail...

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/Deadmanwwe?ref=mf
www.myspace.com/deadmanwwe

If you do, I'm grateful for your help.

Don't Regret

After making mistakes all of my life, I can't help but regret what I could have done, and what I've done. Hurting people, making mistakes about myself, and everything else really sticks around - and it hurts sometimes. Regretting is what prevents people from doing things and moving on but how can you not regret? When I may even slightly hurt someone I get hurt, even if I totally meant it.

If I think that a love interest is losing interest in me because I didn't do something right. It's always been a problem of mine : to jump to conclusions. I can't help it but I want to change it - I just don't know how. As a Psychology major you'd think I'd find the answer to all of my issues but I haven't. It's not as solid as one might think... there's a ton of things that some Psychologists don't even learn about themselves; you have to take it as it comes. I just hope that this new person is genuine, and hopefully I can remain positive and NOT jealous... cause I can really get jealous - and it ruins everything.

Is it True?

I've always liked how music can really be therapeutic through certain times. After going through hectic, sad, painful, or just happy times, music has always had a place in all of them. There's always a song, somewhere, that can relate to you in that time. Whether it's sad, or happy, you can relate to the feeling it gives you. I love music, I used to hate it so much (because of not having a defined taste yet) but now I can't imagine not having it. Music is poetry, nutrition for the soul, happiness in sounds, and a powerful way of expression. Human emotions can be felt through some songs, and some of them are so powerful that it's possible to feel those effects.

Some songs that I get powerful feels from are, but not restricted to:

"Is it true?" by Yohanna
"Gomenasai" by t.A.T.u.
"Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson
"The Wings" by Gustavo Santaolalla
"J'attends l'amour" by Jenifer
"Who Knew?" by P!nk
"Drive You Home" by Garbage
"Better" by Plumb


Here's a music video to "Is it True?" by Yohanna:

Hectic.

School has officially been going on for about a month now and it has kept me tied down. So much studying, which seems futile sometimes, along with managing life has become VERY difficult. I have to say by far this has been my most stressful year in YEARS. Money, health, and everything else is making me feel very overwhelmed.

I've started working at my school as a part of my Work Study. I have no idea when I get paid, but I hope it's soon! I have medical bills to pay on, regular bills to pay on, and stuff to buy... I have been looking up grants and stuff (For personal use) but it hasn't been working out. Gosh, sometimes I just don't know what to do... life's gotten hectic.

PS. I washed my iPod... probably due to having so much to think about... I really want a new one.

L...U...s....T... ?

It's kind of funny that the person I used to dislike so much - is the one that I'm really starting to like. To think that I used to blame this person for the problems that occurred between the person I used to like, and now I'm totally liking them on so many levels. I think it might include some lustful elements but I think all potential relationships do. We click on some levels but we do have our differences but that's another reason why I'm starting to like this person.

There are some things I'm holding back but if things get very serious, then I will spill the beans... or truths. Hopefully this is more than just lustful thoughts and hopefully something more.

Не верь, не бойся, не проси

t.A.T.u has totally moved up in my list of favourite singers. I don't know why their music has missed me. I have always liked "All The Things She Said" although I didn't know that they had originally sung the song; after listening to it on the satellite radio I found them out, got their albums, and am now totally hooked!

This song is what originally had gotten them famous, it was when they had sung and represented Russia in Eurovision.

Sensitive Issues

Such as those that cause a fury between the right and left. I've always been a pro-choicer and will always be one but I just have to say that once you experience an abortion that happens in your family, it really touches base with you. My older brother had a girlfriend that he had loved for such a longtime, and would have an off and on relationship and then she ended up pregnant. This was after a series of off and on relationship over six years. She then aborted the child and wanted nothing to do with him. I read his blog post about it and it feels sad. I mean, I could have been an uncle but am not due to her choice to just not have it, with no good reason whatsoever...

Tender Sugar

Lately I have been in a Metroid mood. I've always loved the games (except for the older ones, in which I have yet to play) and started playing the two that I have again. In Metroid Prime I didn't manage to get 100% completion (came close at 97%) and tried again and managed. Now I'm starting again on Echoes and am totally loving it. I don't have a Wii but next school quarter I plan on getting one to get to play the third one. Ever since my 'awakening' of playing them again I have become obsessed. Samus is awesome! haha.

On a much different note, I feel a little worthless. I feel like the knowledge that I have gained is waning due to the lack of not using it. I review, sometimes, my psychology book to have a type of recovering and it works but I fear I have lost most of that and my Math skills. The worthlessness comes from the feeling that I am not smarter than I was last year, I guess. Hopefully this feeling passes because I know I'm not an idiot, I just need to work harder toward my studies.

Empathy

It's kind of interesting that a person I disliked so much to the point that if given the chance, I would have beaten the crap out of them, I would have, but what's funny is how fast I can feel so much empathy and sympathy for them. I'm talking to them right now on a messenger and I can't help but feel a need to help them out so that they don't feel pain anymore.

Perhaps that's the kind of feelings that a future, hope to be, Psychologist needs: empathy + sympathy to help people, to feel a connection but also to be able to help them through their struggles. Hm, perhaps this can count as experience for me? Helping out people all the time is a good thing, since I am very altruistic, I can see how being a Psychologist can be a good career for me.

Life Without Certain Emotions

I often wonder what life would be like to be rid of certain emotions. I mean, it would add some clearity to one's life in a way - right? Emotions like hatred, sadness, and anger would really be a good thing to live without. I know that love and happiness are essentially necessary but I think that life, for everyone, without anger and hatred would definitely be a better world for everyone. Sadness, I don't know. Sadness does add something to life but I do think that if someone, that a person really cares about, passes away then sadness is necessary.

Sometimes though when I feel too sad or depressed I just wish that I could do something to prevent from ever feeling those emotions all together. I will listen to songs about lost love or something and it reminds me of a certain person and all that 'what if' crap happens. Songs that also remind of this huge fight that I had had with this person, and 'what if' I had stopped being friends. I often wonder a lot of things if you hadn't realized; I don't know if that can be both a good thing or a bad thing, or just a bad thing.

Some guy with big oh popeye arms...

I like Margaret Cho's comedy a lot more now. I used to sort of be offended by her style because she swears a lot but she's actually really hilarious. I was disappointed in her latest one though but I do enjoy her others. I actually borrowed a line from her special "Notorious CHO" and titled it for this blog. Hm.

Well officially one more day and I'm on a plane ride home. This has been truly the longest I have ever been away and I can't wait to return. I leave early in the morning, and arrive at 12:30 pm mountain standard time... AH, mountains again!

...

In my last livejournal post I talked about how much I care for my friends... I change so fast in my feeling toward someone that it's disturbing. That entry I expressed how much I cared for friends, and now I'm feeling disgusted, disappointed, and a little hate toward one of them. I mean honestly, if you come to visit someone then you should be the centre of their focus and everything. I mean sure, if your friend is dating someone of course the relationship should be important but the fact that I'm now sleeping outside of the room, on a couch, in a darkened area because I strongly believe that they just want to fuck. I mean seriously, what kind of person would do that?

You arrive, and then get told: "You know, you're bigger than I thought you were; I'm going to be honest, you're fatter than I thought." and then later you get told "I really appreciate it that you came to visit." Yeah, let me tell you how much that means to me that you completely insult me, destroy even more of my self-esteem, and then tell me how much of a great friend I am. I should have posted that the day I arrived but I didn't. I feel so shity right now; so full of disgust and anger... I wouldn't be surprised if I come home and become anorexic due to how much of my self-esteem has been destroyed.

I miss my real friends... The ones who know how I am, the ones who accept me for who I am... Friday cannot come fast enough, but I can't wait until I'm on that plane far from here and back where I belong... The place I call home; the place where I won't be insulted and then praised but accepted and held close to those I care about.

One, two, three!! four?

Yikes. I think I totally laid on my arm wrong the other night when my friend's boyfriend spent the night. It's been killing me since last night, and it's going on all day today! I ate and got some excedrin and hopefully that tones down the pain a little bit. Lately the weather has been stabilizing here in Ohio, and I hear back at home it's getting dreadfully hot. Well according to my weather forcast-thing that I have on my computer, which is synced back to Idaho, it says that today is 33 C and tomorrow is going to be 32! What a great homecoming week - when it's freaking hot!!!

The worst thing you can ever hear....

So yeah, not to sound too assertive or anything but I believe that if someone has a friend spending a few days with him or her, that they should NOT be less than a metre away appearing to be having sex - OK?! I mean seriously. I wasn't even that far away but I swear to God that's what was going on. Not to mention the annoying kissing sounds every so often - they seemed to go on ALL NIGHT. I woke up because of them! They were just smooching, and kissing, and BLAH! I felt dirty and disgusted by it all! I mean seriously, it's only common respect to not do that kind of stuff to wake someone up?

By the way, I don't ever want to hear whether or not someone can ejaculate 14 times in a row. That's like the worst thing you can ever hear - EVER! I mean, I was just laying there, after being woken up at 9:30 AM to that! Seriously, the worst thing you can ever hear...

Trip Update!

Yeah two in one day - yay?

I've been here for eight days now and I've come to see the differences between home and Ohio!

So yeah, I go back home in five days now, not counting today of course. The trip has been interesting so far. I didn't go primarily for fun but just to see what life outside of Idaho was like. All I can say that it's full of different characters, hotter weather, and a stranger atmosphere.

I've never been to a bar before, but I don't know if I'll ever go to one when I go home because it's just not me. I'll probably go again with my friends on Tuesday because, well, if I leave on Friday then I should hangout as much more as possible. The last time though I got molested by a drag queen... Yeah. Before she was asking me all these questions like "Have you ever done drag before? You'd be beautiful!" and "I can make you a star!"; she did say she was kidding about me doing the drag, but not about the star thing in which bothered me. Afterward, I felt uncomfortable through the whole club scene and my good friend Brandy sat there with me the whole time because she and I both felt out of place... Finally, at 2:30 in the morning, my friend was done doing what he was doing and we got to go. By then, the drag queen was in the bag and well she wanted a hug from Brandy and I. I reluctantly gave her one but I thought it would be okay, but then she started feeling me over! She was like "Ooh. You know, I'm a powertop! I have a lot to offer to a boy!"

Here's the club:


and here's my friend Brandy being at the bar table with me:


Yeah and I also managed to go to the real Crystal Lake - you know the Lake where Jason Voorhees killed all those naughty counselors in the Friday The 13th Films? Yeah, it wasn't what I expected.

Random Passwords

For some reason I'm always mixing up my passwords. I know that some people tend to unify them somehow but I totally used the wrong one for blogger! Strange topic, I know but I realize now that I have four or five set passwords that I use. I have the same for certain sites, and different one for others. Maybe I should make them all the same? Is that a stupid idea? Eh. I've come to realize that have diversity when it comes to passwords isn't a good idea due to the fact that you might mix them up or get them all wrong.

No Title

So yeah I don't know how I'm feeling about this whole 'vacation' thing. I admit that I do have secondary motives but I find that they are rather ridiculous and a bit of a large, unrealistic goals. I think that my feelings and thoughts persist even though I try to look away from what I was here to do and need to do but I'm not sure anymore. Friendship is complicated so I know that it's worth it no matter how much I do miss my home but I do have two weeks left and it's just a matter if I can make it through it without the homesickness and without my emotions getting in the way.

Three Days.

So I have been here for three days now and all is good. Hanging out with Camden is pretty cool and he's really nice. I've been meeting a lot of his friends and his friends' family so it's been great. I got to see some fireflies in person for the first time yesterday night. I was outside his friend's house and I just saw all these glowing-things floating around and it shocked me! So he and his friend took me on an adventure (in the humid, 82 degree, night-heat) looking for some and we found a ton! It was awesome

One Year Later...

This quarter means that I have been going to TVCC for exactly one year now. It's rather interesting to look back at my blogs from that time to see a level of stress and anxiety that isn't seen very much now since I have adjusted better. I still find my studies to be difficult and sometimes irrelevant to what I would like to do as a career but it does show me how much I have grown in one year: personality, behaviours, thoughts, and friends - all have changed in a certain way. I have made friends I never would have had in High School due to the fact that I'm more open in college and my behaviours, thoughts, and personality have changed due to experience and learning of new material.

I wonder how much introspection has really gone on since a year ago... Perhaps one year from now, I will have grown a little bit more into an even better person...

PS. I haven't blogged recently because of my internet issues and also because of my constant school work-load!

Finals - Done!

So I had my final finals today! Psychology and Literature. I'm so glad that I studied for my Psychology because it was pretty difficult but I loved it! I really hope I did well on that because I studied so much. My literature was okay, my professor allowed us notes so it wasn't as bad. The essay was pretty hard as he wanted us to compare/contrast realism and naturalism using examples and possible literature references - yikes! I should know my grades by next week, hopefully.

Spontaneous Recovery & Psychology

Spontaneous Recovery in Psychology is when a person was previously broken from a learned behaviour but a stimulus caused that behaviour to re-emerge and that person to partake back into what was previously lost. This can be put into many forms from learning not to yell, to simple emotions. I find that after learning about this concept in my Psychology class, I realize how often people go through it. In fact, yesterday I went through it again and still am from talking to a person that I really loved. I mean, I was going through negative thoughts about how this person probably didn't want to talk to me (for reasons I didn't even know; they probably still wanted to but was busy) but when I got the call and they told me that they had been thinking about me the whole day... that brought back so many previous feelings and emotions so suddenly.

I mean I re-fell in love after I made myself lose those feelings. I mean they are very intense right now; there's the excitement, loving, and longing that has always been there but tucked away until I was shown a previous cause of my behaviour... Which was that other person; I fell in love with them for who they are, and when I experienced their feelings and thoughts it caused those feelings to come right back... Hopefully if you knew nothing about Psychology and "Spontaneous Recovery" you do have a general idea of it now.

True Love & Love at First Sight

I believe in true love. Although love at first sight doesn't exist because you can't just see someone and 'fall' for everything that they are because you don't even know them yet! You fall in love with a person for who he/she is, emotions, personality, compatibility, and interests. It can be of course much more than just those because everyone falls in love with another person very differently. It all depends on you as a person...

Love at first sight is a total fantasy, we don't live in a world of Romeo and Juliet where people who just met are willing to die for eachother.

Since this is about love, I found a quote not too long ago that I really like : "Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them."

Emotional and Love hurts

Gosh, I've been very emotional lately over love... I mean when you fall in love with somebody for WHO they are, and not for their body why must they totally (well I was told at one time that they had the same feelings) not feel the same way? I mean this person I really like totally is going for this other guy who is a total douche, and obviously only wants this person for the body and not the emotional connection. I have made this connection for over two years and yet that other person has a higher priority over me? That angers me a little bit, I mean honestly. That douche leaves comments on my friend's page about "Stay Sexy" and all that crap... I leave comments with videos of love songs and all that stuff. I mean I love this person for everything that they are, and we have so much in common - the physical-thing, I couldn't care less about. I love this person for who they are as a person - Just wish that they would really see that.


BTW. As a language person, I had so much trouble using "They" instead of "He/she"... I just had to keep the person gender neutral...

Organ Donation

So I was reading this article on Yahoo! Canada about a group of people who were donating kidneys just to do it to help another person. It was very inspiring and amazing to see people do that for someone that they didn't even know. It made me start thinking about if I would do that, and I probably would. I mean, life is the most important thing in the world and saving someone's life is probably one of the best favours one can ever do. Although when I was reading about the donation of a kidney, and I was thinking about that but for some reason I got a serious pain in my side... Perhaps that's a psychologically-caused pain? Hopefully!

So much to do!!!

Wow, so finals are next week so that means that this quarter is almost done. The Winter Quarter has so far, in my opinion, been the best quarter. My grades are good, and I love it! I've also really taken to studying so that explains my grades as the previous quarters studying wasn't something I did. I thought that my learning style was "Visual" but after reading about "Auditory" that makes sense. They say that auditory learners learn best when there is sound while one is studying. When I was doing my math and had friends here, they were talking and I was blowing through my math and totally understood it. That also explains when I studied psychology (On the test I got an 85) it was because I was listening to music while reading!

Well anyway, in Psychology we're covering chapters nine and ten on human development and so far it's the most difficult and the longest. We have to memorize all of the theories because we were told that there just isn't enough time to break it all down. I think I can do it, especially if I really study.

Oh, speaking about Psychology I got my essay back and I got extra credit on it. She wrote really nice comments on it and everything so I think she really liked my paper. I also feel very proud of it; as it put to work what I was learning in Psychology over the last two quarters so breaking down BBM really was fascinating. I needed people's input on it though so I went to the ultimate site for BBM which is ennisjack.com and all the great people there helped give me ideas and submitted their thoughts.

I hate imperfection.

So from browsing the net looking for a super-cool template to replace my old template, I ended up totally ruining my blog... Good thing I backed it up and everything so I was able to re-upload it and delete my older one. I'm glad I did, it adds freshness to my stuff and whatever plus I changed all of the colours. Well, that's an update, seriously.

Aspects That Rule Me...

So I totally stole this from my best friend.


Things that rule my life: 4 things

Emotion

Knowledge

Power

Music


I figured instead of listing them, I would explain them somewhat.

Emotion rules my life because I usually let how I feel direct my behaviour toward something. If I feel really sad about something, then I let that direct what I do for that day, along with hatred, happiness, and all the other emotions. Not only that but I can totally get caught up in how I am feeling and lose myself in it.

Knowledge because I have this intrinsic need/motivation to learn! I mean anything that fascinates me I will learn about. Languages, personalities, alternative religions, countries, witchcraft, cities, psychology - all that good stuff and more I have a constant craving for. Whenever I learn something new, I feel fulfilled inside, and excited about it... In fact right now I feel like I need to read some new data, information, or something!

Power... I feel the constant need for this. If I were in a ruling position, I would use it correctly but I would also lavish in it. I constantly feel the need to dominate something, not a person though, but be the leader. I could never dominate a loved one, nor a lover, but I would like to dominate their organization of things!

Music because it can totally change behaviours. I could be in such a crappy mood that it totally elevates it to a different level. Lately though I have been listening to music that has been relating to the drama in my life and also to my general personality... Some examples? "We Belong Together" by Mariah, "Sally's Song" by Amy Lee, "Poker face" by Lady GaGa, "Nicest Thing" by Kate Nash, and "My Happy Ending" by Avril... These are only examples; I do listen to a larger list though. I should also note that since this ties into emotion, I find that music can express what I want to express better sometimes. So if I can't really explain something, there's usually a song that will do that.

color me crazy!

Dang, what a longtime since an update - oh well. Well I've been busy mending my relationship with Camden as we had a very hard fight recently and we're still recovering from it. I even feel a sense of anger toward him for the choices he has made but I don't know.

I'm also busy with school work and I think I'm passing all of my classes now. Math is difficult but I think I will scrape by. Photography, American Literature, and Psychology should have very good grades as I do my best in those classes. Yikes.

Well it turns out that many of my friends are going through crazy times as well and the overall outcome with change us as people, and hopefully that change will be alright. I think I might come out of it as a very different person... I mean, I've seen a side of myself that I hadn't seen in years... A side that's very mean, rude, and jealous. I think now it's going to be a mega-mix of that for now on.


OH! I almost forgot to note. I'm going out to Ohio to spend time with my very good friend, hopefully, in the summer time. I'm going to be taking online classes then so I can get them out of the way but I doubt if it will impede on hanging out with him for a month. BTW, a month does seem like a longtime maybe it will be shorter? I will need to decide of course; I will buying the plane ticket before June so I will be saving up some cash (600+ hopefully) so I can get there and back and still be able to afford food and stuff!

Immersion Test Results...

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||| 42% Stability |||| 18% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 74% Accommodation |||||||||| 38% Interdependence |||||| 30% Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 62% Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Artistic |||| 16% Religious || 10% Hedonism || 10% Materialism |||||||||||||||| 63% Narcissism |||||||||||| 50% Adventurousness |||||||||||| 43% Work ethic |||| 16% Humanitarian |||||||||||||||| 70% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63% Romantic |||||||||||||||| 70% Avoidant |||||||||| 36% Anti-authority |||||||||||||| 56% Wealth |||||| 23% Dependency |||||||||||||||||| 76% Change averse |||||||||||||| 56% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Individuality |||||||||| 36% Sexuality |||||||||||| 43% Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50% Family drive |||||||||| 36% Physical Fitness |||||||||||| % Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63% Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 63% Vanity |||||||||||| 43% Honor |||||||||||||||| 70% Thriftiness |||||||||||||| 56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality test by similarminds.com

Hm.

So the Winter quarter begins on Monday and I'm looking forward to it. I'm taking four classes this quarter, a total of 14 credits. It's going to be tough but I look forward, mostly, to my Psychology class with my professor/advisor. In Psych 202, we get to watch a film, that we already watched and write a paper on it. It's a film that we personally like, not like a class film, and we have to go back through and talk about the little things that we missed the first time and explain them.

I recently saw the movie Brokeback Mountain and I plan to do it on that film. There was so much symbolism and meaning in such little parts of that film, and I think that it will work well. It was more than just a 'gay cowboy' movie, it was much deeper and more complex... Some people didn't even give it a chance, but it has to be one of the best movies that I have ever seen. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger gave very amazing performances. It's sad that it didn't win best picture though, it beat that film that did win by a lot more.

I also saw The Dark Knight and Heath Ledger's performance as the Joker was absolutely amazing. I didn't think that he could pull it off, but he did and he made it his own. He should definitely win an oscar or something for that. It was absolutely amazing and it's very saddening that he passed away almost a year ago and I'm just discovering how amazing his work was... He was a phenomenal actor and he had so much potential...