Mental Disorders and Anguish

Been almost two full years since I have posted to this blog. I remember posting often and then just stopping. I note everytime I rediscover this blog that I always make note that I'd like to get in to it again or just type about my thoughts more often. Today I will try that again but I'm unsure if I will follow through. Below is a rewritten post from something I wrote down a little bit a go. It's about mental disorders and my concerns. Beware! Drug and alcohol use is slightly discussed!

Unedited from my handwritten version:

I'm beginning to think that I have some kind of deep-rooted mental illness. For the last 4-5 months I haven't felt the same. I hope that it's just stress of working a lot but what has me worried is the fact that mental disorders are prevalent in my family. Schizophrenia, mood disorders, drug/alcohol abuse, ADD/ADHD, depression, and bipolar disorder are some of the things that run in my genes.

Lately, I'd say in about a year, I have smoked marijuana and drank more alcohol. I wonder if that contributes to it? I don't really feel social or anything but I kind of always have been like that. I think it's more extreme lately or if I'm just antisocial. It makes me wonder and worry because it's frightening to think I'm losing my mind. Some days are good and I do want to engage with others and others I'd just prefer being alone for long periods of time. I want to seek out some kind of mental help but am unsure of the costs, but what I think I'm most unsure of is if I do have a mental problem.

I hope I don't but genetically I might. My mom has schizoaffective disorder, which has symptoms of schizophrenia but one more thing confuses me: then does she have schizophrenia? Does that mean I have a 50% chance of getting it too?

It feels good to write this down. Maybe I will write daily.

Blogger doesn't suck...

I've just been updating my other blogs, which is only like two others. I also have a livejournal, and a myspace blog. I've been updating my Myspace blog with political opinions and stuff, so if you happen to have caught my blog on here that stated my Myspace ID then you should add me as a friend and check them out!

College, Psychology, and blogging...

So I've started back at college now for a total of 3 days. So far it's good, although since it's the summer course now everything is at a much faster pase because everything must be covered in such less of time. Everything is okay, but my math class is my evil 'speech' class this quarter. Speech last quarter was the most homework driven course, and now it's math. We've been given 4 assignments in math and they're all do on Monday. We also have a test over those assignments next week, although I don't know when.

My favourite class would happen to be Psychology. My instructor is amazing and she shares some of her personal experiences and her own wisdom with us as a class. Today was the most amazing class experiences so far. She explained the 'chair' method with getting people to express their feelings towards someone they can't speak to either because of a traumatic issue or that the other person is deceased. Anyway, she's a therapist but she teaches as a second job, so that's a reason why she went in depth today about the method. Which in my opinion was well explained and very interesting. I really look forward to continuing my education with this class and it's helping me to see that I have made the right to decision and I can't wait to learn more about people and of course myself.

So I've been blogging now for about 2 years. I haven't blogged everyday, but now that I've started to 'rediscover' my blog, I've been able to organize my thoughts and feelings. I love blogging, and it's going to be something that I will try to do even more often. I know it's like an addiction now, but not reading or playing videogames, but it's a level below. That doesn't mean that it's not important, it is, but it's difficult to get around to everyday when you lead a busy life.