Been almost two full years since I have posted to this blog. I remember posting often and then just stopping. I note everytime I rediscover this blog that I always make note that I'd like to get in to it again or just type about my thoughts more often. Today I will try that again but I'm unsure if I will follow through. Below is a rewritten post from something I wrote down a little bit a go. It's about mental disorders and my concerns. Beware! Drug and alcohol use is slightly discussed!
Unedited from my handwritten version:
I'm beginning to think that I have some kind of deep-rooted mental illness. For the last 4-5 months I haven't felt the same. I hope that it's just stress of working a lot but what has me worried is the fact that mental disorders are prevalent in my family. Schizophrenia, mood disorders, drug/alcohol abuse, ADD/ADHD, depression, and bipolar disorder are some of the things that run in my genes.
Lately, I'd say in about a year, I have smoked marijuana and drank more alcohol. I wonder if that contributes to it? I don't really feel social or anything but I kind of always have been like that. I think it's more extreme lately or if I'm just antisocial. It makes me wonder and worry because it's frightening to think I'm losing my mind. Some days are good and I do want to engage with others and others I'd just prefer being alone for long periods of time. I want to seek out some kind of mental help but am unsure of the costs, but what I think I'm most unsure of is if I do have a mental problem.
I hope I don't but genetically I might. My mom has schizoaffective disorder, which has symptoms of schizophrenia but one more thing confuses me: then does she have schizophrenia? Does that mean I have a 50% chance of getting it too?
It feels good to write this down. Maybe I will write daily.
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