Can we start over?

I hate making promises I can't keep. Over the last year, since my last post, everything seems to have fallen apart. I want it all to start again but that is a pipe dream. I've taken to the bottle way too much and even now at 6AM I'm drinking again already. I guess as long as I'm numbed to whatever then I'm fine, although I get in much more arguments now. I hate how things turned out - is that what life is? An unknown abyss of random darkness?

I hope that changes.

Goals

I figured something that could help out with some things I've been going through: goals. I used to make them all the time and work toward them. I'd have them written down and I would do them. I think it would be beneficial and healthy to do that again. I just have to put together a list and then I'll post them on here, that way I'll have a permanent, internet-reminder of things I want to do.

Not doing that now. Can't think of many on the spot!

Working too much.

Today is going fine so far. I do hate working 10 hours a day, or in this case about 9.5 hours. Maybe that's what is making feel crazy so much? That all of my time is spent working and the only time I have off I feel drained and not up to doing anything? Would that make sense if I have soured on some social relationships? I do know that I'm not really big on getting out and doing things in general and I think that working all this much as made it even worse.

Thankfully the school year is almost over. By next Thursday I will be on summer vacation and back to my other job. I'll have to pick up some more hours of course but at least my mental health won't be stretched so far. I literally think that working this much has taken a massive toll on me.

Here's to hoping that summer will allow me to unwind and feel back to normal.

General Update

Besides the previous post, I figured it's time for a full update on myself. Considering how a lot of things have changed over the last 6+ years, I'd figured to make note of those changes online.

1. A lot more gray hairs! School, work,  and stress has taken its toll over the years. Around the sides of my head I have massive patches of gray that I now have to cover up with hair dye. Definitely never thought that would happen!

2. Graduated college with a bachelor's of science in Psychology two years ago. I'm actually surprised I didn't blog about this one. The hectic part of my life that was college was finished (at that point for now) and I finally completed a goal of going to college. It was a crazy-filled experience with a lot of new things happening all the time. I went to Boise State University and took a variety of random courses (other than the requirements for the major) and experienced Poetry, Philosophy (wrote a paper about nothing), and Canadian studies. Definitely an experience. Maybe if I can find photos of things I've taken then, I'll post them in a separate blog.

3. Into Alcohol and Marijuana. These were things I never thought I'd ever get involved with so I guess the saying of: "Never say Never" is true. I think I may have reached a point of abuse with alcohol. Looking back at the blog from two years ago discussing depression while drunk, really shows a lot. For two years I have been drinking alcohol with lately being more frequent. I have technically had three blackouts from it, others my memory is hazy. Even now my memory is off, hopefully no permanent damage has occurred but I'm sure that is possible. With the green stuff, I've experienced psychosis and paranoia really badly. I've read more into the green stuff and its benefits but did uncover that people with predispositions to mental disorders should avoid it, as it can cause symptoms to appear. Perhaps that's the stem of these feelings? Maybe I'm not schizophrenic and it's just the result of that? Hopefully.

4. I'm kind of detached from many people, except very close friends and family. I prefer being by myself rather than socializing, which caused me to think the schizophrenic diagnosis or psychosis one. Or perhaps Schizoid personality. The other day at my niece's birthday I had zero interest in socializing, well with the exception of her and my mom and younger brother. Me and my older brother don't talk due to personal issues. I'd have preferred not to be there but I wanted to for my niece. I didn't even stay the whole time because things were taking forever. I get that the point is socializing with family but I just wasn't feeling it. Instead I was reading things on my phone or talking solely to my little brother or my mom. I didn't even acknowledge most people.

5. I have very few friends now. Literally a handful and with whom I rarely speak. One of my best friends only comes to me really for advice now and I see him rarely. My other friends have moved away out of town. I do have two other friends in the area that I enjoy talking to but we rarely see each other even. I do make attempts to socialize and we do hangout, just not as often as I'd like to. People's schedules are busy and I understand that. Perhaps the lack of socialization makes me want to even less? Even though there are some cases where I do? That brings it back to the mental disorder. Where I have read some people will have a small group of socializations that happen but not many. (This kind of bothers me more thinking about it)

6. I've recently (within the last year) started watching Anime, not like Pokemon, but other anime. Such as Death Note and Attack on Titan. This is a new change for me that I really like, as it allows me to experience new things that I normally wouldn't imagine.

7. I talk to myself sometimes, but don't reply, well maybe in my head. Does that mean I'm crazy?

Can't think of much else to put for now.

Mental Disorders and Anguish

Been almost two full years since I have posted to this blog. I remember posting often and then just stopping. I note everytime I rediscover this blog that I always make note that I'd like to get in to it again or just type about my thoughts more often. Today I will try that again but I'm unsure if I will follow through. Below is a rewritten post from something I wrote down a little bit a go. It's about mental disorders and my concerns. Beware! Drug and alcohol use is slightly discussed!

Unedited from my handwritten version:

I'm beginning to think that I have some kind of deep-rooted mental illness. For the last 4-5 months I haven't felt the same. I hope that it's just stress of working a lot but what has me worried is the fact that mental disorders are prevalent in my family. Schizophrenia, mood disorders, drug/alcohol abuse, ADD/ADHD, depression, and bipolar disorder are some of the things that run in my genes.

Lately, I'd say in about a year, I have smoked marijuana and drank more alcohol. I wonder if that contributes to it? I don't really feel social or anything but I kind of always have been like that. I think it's more extreme lately or if I'm just antisocial. It makes me wonder and worry because it's frightening to think I'm losing my mind. Some days are good and I do want to engage with others and others I'd just prefer being alone for long periods of time. I want to seek out some kind of mental help but am unsure of the costs, but what I think I'm most unsure of is if I do have a mental problem.

I hope I don't but genetically I might. My mom has schizoaffective disorder, which has symptoms of schizophrenia but one more thing confuses me: then does she have schizophrenia? Does that mean I have a 50% chance of getting it too?

It feels good to write this down. Maybe I will write daily.

Level up!

Today is my birthday. Big 24 I am now, well the level anyway as a gamer. :) But yeah, I see how getting older and having a birthday really changes. I've received many happy birthdays from people I know and care about but have only seen three people today who actually said it in person. Not trying to sound depressing or sad, but it sucks a bit not having everyone around for my birthday. It's leaving me reflective about everyone over the years; people who are still here and people who have passed away.

I went out and bought myself a snickers cake, candles, and a lighter - going to sing happy birthday to myself, by myself.

Gamer dayz

So I have now Skyrim, Resident Evil: Revelations, and Saints Row: the third. All interesting games but I have been losing a lot of time in the first two. Skyrim alone I averaged five hours straight the other day. Resident evil is awesome. Loving the classic RE gameplay. Man I haven't played games for long periods of time in a while, not since dark souls!

Gina Escapes

So yeah, my last drunken rant was pretty weird. I am usually more reserved and to myself but I guess alcohol has that effect on me when I drink too much. But yeah, everything is peachy now. I tend to avoid drinking multiple nights in a row for good reason as it doesn't do the body well to overload it with poison I think. Besides drunkenness being a new thing for me, I'm still very much in to video games, Battlestar Galactica, and listening to music. Lately been listening to soundtracks of BSG and cannot get enough. Played RE6 a few hours ago and it's a good coping mechanism when I'm over everything. Also, 'I'm over it' is also a new saying that I say a bit too much.

Into the inevitable

I had almost forgotten about this blog I used to write to, to empty my feelings on to. It's been a hard journey to where I have gotten since I last published something in the last two years but it also seems as if much has deteriorated as well. I think I have technically developed a type of drinking issue, as sometimes just drinking seems to numb everything inside of me. All the pain that I have built up from my failures and everything that has left me in total remorse. Am I meant to just be nothing in the wind, just something casually caught in it and meant to observe all that happens to everyone else? Is that my fate? I hate being filled with regrets - I'm not even that old but there are things I wish I could have done differently or just changed so that I wasn't as I am now.

It feels sometimes as if something is just wrong about me, nothing natural. Looking into it I don't know. Having a degree in Psychology doesn't seem to help either.

"I have nothing left, and all I feel is this cruel wanting. We've been falling for all this time and now I'm lost in paradise." - Amy Lee, Evanescence.

Crazy gals

Random blog but I'm totally into Desperate housewives. I never thought I'd enjoy this show but then again I never gave it a chance.

I first got a glimpse in my personality class and that sparked my interest. We had to analyze one of the characters and then compare it to what we were learning. Since then, and now that I found out that its on netflix, I can now say I have a new show!

So I lied.

Okay it's been way longer than two weeks but last semester made me a wreck haha. I got a 1.4 overall GPA and now BSU is angry with me about it. They say that if I don't do better they'll suspend me for a semester... gah. Anyway. Life's okay, kind of crazy but that's expected. Here's to a better semester and good grades!

2nd week

Hello! It's been quite awhile since my last posting, but I have not forgotten blogger land!

Anyway, today marks my second week at Boise State University. Transitioning to a University setting from a community college setting was much easier than I had thought it would be. I think having the core knowledge of how a school works helped that process!

Classes are currently going okay so far. Nothing to crazy - yet! But as a college student I know that will begin to change very soon, am I ready? Nope not yet, but I know it will come. My classes consist of Science, poetry, philosophy, and elementary mathematics so it's not too bad in my opinion. If I were taking these back at TVCC I'd be a highly stressed person but semester systems allow more time to cover things so I think that's why I'm at a slight ease.

Hopefully this week goes by as smooth as last weeks, I'll probably update within a week to see...

Twilit Celled-Nucleus

Summer is coming up fast. I still have classes throughout the summer but oh well. Hopefully I can get things resolved around school and everything as I transition into BSU. Eh. So now everything's getting sorted out and I'm supposed to get a work study position at BSU too so that will help out quite a bit.

Other than that, I'm graduating from TVCC on June 11 (I think), and I'm considering not doing the ceremony. I don't know why but I feel like going at 1pm for rehearsal in Ontario and then again at 7pm is no fun. That's my primary reason for not wanting to.

School Quartely Report

This quarter has to be the least stressful of my quarters. I have, technically one quarter left, two if things don't work out in my favour but hopefully things will get a little more simple. Next quarter I have to repeat my Math 111 class due to me getting a non passing grade of a D - I'm totally not looking forward to it.

So far, grade-wise, I'm doing alright. In my classes, I have gotten passing grades on all of my exams so far ( Three in Psychology, One in Humanities, Four in Sociology, and Two in Anatomy) I'm really hoping that I outdo myself and get an even better GPA than last quarter - here's to hoping that that happens!

My love for you...

Without a doubt, I come to find myself everyday filled with even more questions than the day before. Silly as it may sound, I guess, but it's as if when I wake up, I learn something newer, and then have a question or two about why. Perhaps it's the Psychology + Sociology thinking process that has now formed in my mind. As of late, I've been applying Psychology's theories to myself and am uncovering things. However, in the end, it just leaves me with more questions to why I came to some conclusions.

Lovestruck... or lust struck?

I hate it when I begin to like someone and out of spite someone tries to ruin it. The person ruining it is named Bryan George. He's a total loser. I used to be friends with him until he showed his real true, two-faced being. It's disgusting. He's STD riddled and attempted to get back at me for revealing that. Haha.

Anyway, I know that all relationships start out as lust , so this person that I like is totally out of lust but I like this person for who they are. I hate how people try to ruin these things... if I had any good sense I would use Abaddon for revenge but I think there are lesser ways of doing things instead of being so destructive... God, I'm so filled with hate right now it's pouring out of my nose... If Bryan is trying to get that other person away from me, by talking to them, messaging them... I'm not sure how I will react.


BTW. For those of you who are nice enough to send hate mail...

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/Deadmanwwe?ref=mf
www.myspace.com/deadmanwwe

If you do, I'm grateful for your help.

Don't Regret

After making mistakes all of my life, I can't help but regret what I could have done, and what I've done. Hurting people, making mistakes about myself, and everything else really sticks around - and it hurts sometimes. Regretting is what prevents people from doing things and moving on but how can you not regret? When I may even slightly hurt someone I get hurt, even if I totally meant it.

If I think that a love interest is losing interest in me because I didn't do something right. It's always been a problem of mine : to jump to conclusions. I can't help it but I want to change it - I just don't know how. As a Psychology major you'd think I'd find the answer to all of my issues but I haven't. It's not as solid as one might think... there's a ton of things that some Psychologists don't even learn about themselves; you have to take it as it comes. I just hope that this new person is genuine, and hopefully I can remain positive and NOT jealous... cause I can really get jealous - and it ruins everything.

Is it True?

I've always liked how music can really be therapeutic through certain times. After going through hectic, sad, painful, or just happy times, music has always had a place in all of them. There's always a song, somewhere, that can relate to you in that time. Whether it's sad, or happy, you can relate to the feeling it gives you. I love music, I used to hate it so much (because of not having a defined taste yet) but now I can't imagine not having it. Music is poetry, nutrition for the soul, happiness in sounds, and a powerful way of expression. Human emotions can be felt through some songs, and some of them are so powerful that it's possible to feel those effects.

Some songs that I get powerful feels from are, but not restricted to:

"Is it true?" by Yohanna
"Gomenasai" by t.A.T.u.
"Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne
"My Immortal" by Evanescence
"Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson
"The Wings" by Gustavo Santaolalla
"J'attends l'amour" by Jenifer
"Who Knew?" by P!nk
"Drive You Home" by Garbage
"Better" by Plumb


Here's a music video to "Is it True?" by Yohanna:

Hectic.

School has officially been going on for about a month now and it has kept me tied down. So much studying, which seems futile sometimes, along with managing life has become VERY difficult. I have to say by far this has been my most stressful year in YEARS. Money, health, and everything else is making me feel very overwhelmed.

I've started working at my school as a part of my Work Study. I have no idea when I get paid, but I hope it's soon! I have medical bills to pay on, regular bills to pay on, and stuff to buy... I have been looking up grants and stuff (For personal use) but it hasn't been working out. Gosh, sometimes I just don't know what to do... life's gotten hectic.

PS. I washed my iPod... probably due to having so much to think about... I really want a new one.

L...U...s....T... ?

It's kind of funny that the person I used to dislike so much - is the one that I'm really starting to like. To think that I used to blame this person for the problems that occurred between the person I used to like, and now I'm totally liking them on so many levels. I think it might include some lustful elements but I think all potential relationships do. We click on some levels but we do have our differences but that's another reason why I'm starting to like this person.

There are some things I'm holding back but if things get very serious, then I will spill the beans... or truths. Hopefully this is more than just lustful thoughts and hopefully something more.