Can we start over?

I hate making promises I can't keep. Over the last year, since my last post, everything seems to have fallen apart. I want it all to start again but that is a pipe dream. I've taken to the bottle way too much and even now at 6AM I'm drinking again already. I guess as long as I'm numbed to whatever then I'm fine, although I get in much more arguments now. I hate how things turned out - is that what life is? An unknown abyss of random darkness?

I hope that changes.

Goals

I figured something that could help out with some things I've been going through: goals. I used to make them all the time and work toward them. I'd have them written down and I would do them. I think it would be beneficial and healthy to do that again. I just have to put together a list and then I'll post them on here, that way I'll have a permanent, internet-reminder of things I want to do.

Not doing that now. Can't think of many on the spot!

Working too much.

Today is going fine so far. I do hate working 10 hours a day, or in this case about 9.5 hours. Maybe that's what is making feel crazy so much? That all of my time is spent working and the only time I have off I feel drained and not up to doing anything? Would that make sense if I have soured on some social relationships? I do know that I'm not really big on getting out and doing things in general and I think that working all this much as made it even worse.

Thankfully the school year is almost over. By next Thursday I will be on summer vacation and back to my other job. I'll have to pick up some more hours of course but at least my mental health won't be stretched so far. I literally think that working this much has taken a massive toll on me.

Here's to hoping that summer will allow me to unwind and feel back to normal.

General Update

Besides the previous post, I figured it's time for a full update on myself. Considering how a lot of things have changed over the last 6+ years, I'd figured to make note of those changes online.

1. A lot more gray hairs! School, work,  and stress has taken its toll over the years. Around the sides of my head I have massive patches of gray that I now have to cover up with hair dye. Definitely never thought that would happen!

2. Graduated college with a bachelor's of science in Psychology two years ago. I'm actually surprised I didn't blog about this one. The hectic part of my life that was college was finished (at that point for now) and I finally completed a goal of going to college. It was a crazy-filled experience with a lot of new things happening all the time. I went to Boise State University and took a variety of random courses (other than the requirements for the major) and experienced Poetry, Philosophy (wrote a paper about nothing), and Canadian studies. Definitely an experience. Maybe if I can find photos of things I've taken then, I'll post them in a separate blog.

3. Into Alcohol and Marijuana. These were things I never thought I'd ever get involved with so I guess the saying of: "Never say Never" is true. I think I may have reached a point of abuse with alcohol. Looking back at the blog from two years ago discussing depression while drunk, really shows a lot. For two years I have been drinking alcohol with lately being more frequent. I have technically had three blackouts from it, others my memory is hazy. Even now my memory is off, hopefully no permanent damage has occurred but I'm sure that is possible. With the green stuff, I've experienced psychosis and paranoia really badly. I've read more into the green stuff and its benefits but did uncover that people with predispositions to mental disorders should avoid it, as it can cause symptoms to appear. Perhaps that's the stem of these feelings? Maybe I'm not schizophrenic and it's just the result of that? Hopefully.

4. I'm kind of detached from many people, except very close friends and family. I prefer being by myself rather than socializing, which caused me to think the schizophrenic diagnosis or psychosis one. Or perhaps Schizoid personality. The other day at my niece's birthday I had zero interest in socializing, well with the exception of her and my mom and younger brother. Me and my older brother don't talk due to personal issues. I'd have preferred not to be there but I wanted to for my niece. I didn't even stay the whole time because things were taking forever. I get that the point is socializing with family but I just wasn't feeling it. Instead I was reading things on my phone or talking solely to my little brother or my mom. I didn't even acknowledge most people.

5. I have very few friends now. Literally a handful and with whom I rarely speak. One of my best friends only comes to me really for advice now and I see him rarely. My other friends have moved away out of town. I do have two other friends in the area that I enjoy talking to but we rarely see each other even. I do make attempts to socialize and we do hangout, just not as often as I'd like to. People's schedules are busy and I understand that. Perhaps the lack of socialization makes me want to even less? Even though there are some cases where I do? That brings it back to the mental disorder. Where I have read some people will have a small group of socializations that happen but not many. (This kind of bothers me more thinking about it)

6. I've recently (within the last year) started watching Anime, not like Pokemon, but other anime. Such as Death Note and Attack on Titan. This is a new change for me that I really like, as it allows me to experience new things that I normally wouldn't imagine.

7. I talk to myself sometimes, but don't reply, well maybe in my head. Does that mean I'm crazy?

Can't think of much else to put for now.

Mental Disorders and Anguish

Been almost two full years since I have posted to this blog. I remember posting often and then just stopping. I note everytime I rediscover this blog that I always make note that I'd like to get in to it again or just type about my thoughts more often. Today I will try that again but I'm unsure if I will follow through. Below is a rewritten post from something I wrote down a little bit a go. It's about mental disorders and my concerns. Beware! Drug and alcohol use is slightly discussed!

Unedited from my handwritten version:

I'm beginning to think that I have some kind of deep-rooted mental illness. For the last 4-5 months I haven't felt the same. I hope that it's just stress of working a lot but what has me worried is the fact that mental disorders are prevalent in my family. Schizophrenia, mood disorders, drug/alcohol abuse, ADD/ADHD, depression, and bipolar disorder are some of the things that run in my genes.

Lately, I'd say in about a year, I have smoked marijuana and drank more alcohol. I wonder if that contributes to it? I don't really feel social or anything but I kind of always have been like that. I think it's more extreme lately or if I'm just antisocial. It makes me wonder and worry because it's frightening to think I'm losing my mind. Some days are good and I do want to engage with others and others I'd just prefer being alone for long periods of time. I want to seek out some kind of mental help but am unsure of the costs, but what I think I'm most unsure of is if I do have a mental problem.

I hope I don't but genetically I might. My mom has schizoaffective disorder, which has symptoms of schizophrenia but one more thing confuses me: then does she have schizophrenia? Does that mean I have a 50% chance of getting it too?

It feels good to write this down. Maybe I will write daily.

Level up!

Today is my birthday. Big 24 I am now, well the level anyway as a gamer. :) But yeah, I see how getting older and having a birthday really changes. I've received many happy birthdays from people I know and care about but have only seen three people today who actually said it in person. Not trying to sound depressing or sad, but it sucks a bit not having everyone around for my birthday. It's leaving me reflective about everyone over the years; people who are still here and people who have passed away.

I went out and bought myself a snickers cake, candles, and a lighter - going to sing happy birthday to myself, by myself.

Gamer dayz

So I have now Skyrim, Resident Evil: Revelations, and Saints Row: the third. All interesting games but I have been losing a lot of time in the first two. Skyrim alone I averaged five hours straight the other day. Resident evil is awesome. Loving the classic RE gameplay. Man I haven't played games for long periods of time in a while, not since dark souls!