Mental Disorders and Anguish

Been almost two full years since I have posted to this blog. I remember posting often and then just stopping. I note everytime I rediscover this blog that I always make note that I'd like to get in to it again or just type about my thoughts more often. Today I will try that again but I'm unsure if I will follow through. Below is a rewritten post from something I wrote down a little bit a go. It's about mental disorders and my concerns. Beware! Drug and alcohol use is slightly discussed!

Unedited from my handwritten version:

I'm beginning to think that I have some kind of deep-rooted mental illness. For the last 4-5 months I haven't felt the same. I hope that it's just stress of working a lot but what has me worried is the fact that mental disorders are prevalent in my family. Schizophrenia, mood disorders, drug/alcohol abuse, ADD/ADHD, depression, and bipolar disorder are some of the things that run in my genes.

Lately, I'd say in about a year, I have smoked marijuana and drank more alcohol. I wonder if that contributes to it? I don't really feel social or anything but I kind of always have been like that. I think it's more extreme lately or if I'm just antisocial. It makes me wonder and worry because it's frightening to think I'm losing my mind. Some days are good and I do want to engage with others and others I'd just prefer being alone for long periods of time. I want to seek out some kind of mental help but am unsure of the costs, but what I think I'm most unsure of is if I do have a mental problem.

I hope I don't but genetically I might. My mom has schizoaffective disorder, which has symptoms of schizophrenia but one more thing confuses me: then does she have schizophrenia? Does that mean I have a 50% chance of getting it too?

It feels good to write this down. Maybe I will write daily.

Level up!

Today is my birthday. Big 24 I am now, well the level anyway as a gamer. :) But yeah, I see how getting older and having a birthday really changes. I've received many happy birthdays from people I know and care about but have only seen three people today who actually said it in person. Not trying to sound depressing or sad, but it sucks a bit not having everyone around for my birthday. It's leaving me reflective about everyone over the years; people who are still here and people who have passed away.

I went out and bought myself a snickers cake, candles, and a lighter - going to sing happy birthday to myself, by myself.

Gamer dayz

So I have now Skyrim, Resident Evil: Revelations, and Saints Row: the third. All interesting games but I have been losing a lot of time in the first two. Skyrim alone I averaged five hours straight the other day. Resident evil is awesome. Loving the classic RE gameplay. Man I haven't played games for long periods of time in a while, not since dark souls!

Gina Escapes

So yeah, my last drunken rant was pretty weird. I am usually more reserved and to myself but I guess alcohol has that effect on me when I drink too much. But yeah, everything is peachy now. I tend to avoid drinking multiple nights in a row for good reason as it doesn't do the body well to overload it with poison I think. Besides drunkenness being a new thing for me, I'm still very much in to video games, Battlestar Galactica, and listening to music. Lately been listening to soundtracks of BSG and cannot get enough. Played RE6 a few hours ago and it's a good coping mechanism when I'm over everything. Also, 'I'm over it' is also a new saying that I say a bit too much.

Into the inevitable

I had almost forgotten about this blog I used to write to, to empty my feelings on to. It's been a hard journey to where I have gotten since I last published something in the last two years but it also seems as if much has deteriorated as well. I think I have technically developed a type of drinking issue, as sometimes just drinking seems to numb everything inside of me. All the pain that I have built up from my failures and everything that has left me in total remorse. Am I meant to just be nothing in the wind, just something casually caught in it and meant to observe all that happens to everyone else? Is that my fate? I hate being filled with regrets - I'm not even that old but there are things I wish I could have done differently or just changed so that I wasn't as I am now.

It feels sometimes as if something is just wrong about me, nothing natural. Looking into it I don't know. Having a degree in Psychology doesn't seem to help either.

"I have nothing left, and all I feel is this cruel wanting. We've been falling for all this time and now I'm lost in paradise." - Amy Lee, Evanescence.

Crazy gals

Random blog but I'm totally into Desperate housewives. I never thought I'd enjoy this show but then again I never gave it a chance.

I first got a glimpse in my personality class and that sparked my interest. We had to analyze one of the characters and then compare it to what we were learning. Since then, and now that I found out that its on netflix, I can now say I have a new show!

So I lied.

Okay it's been way longer than two weeks but last semester made me a wreck haha. I got a 1.4 overall GPA and now BSU is angry with me about it. They say that if I don't do better they'll suspend me for a semester... gah. Anyway. Life's okay, kind of crazy but that's expected. Here's to a better semester and good grades!